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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
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1:35 am - the detest-o-meter
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I don't detest myself that much because
1) i've been cooking :p.
2) I've been reading - currently reading Thoreau's Walden (that guy is angsty boy, and they say he inspired Ghandi)
3) work is..not too bad, but I still feel like I can be challenged further... (mom says, be happy you have a slack job). But slack jobs never once inspired me. I like to work, and burn myself out working out of passion or misplaced sense of duty towards f-ed up bosses.
4) I've been going for book readings, concerts, and discovering boston
5) I've been catching up with movies - last movie saw is I'm not there , which i think is some slow shite for Friday, but not too bad
6) I've been having fun with the boy :)
Life's ok, not the tsunami-type of excitement, but peaceful, and easy. Maybe when I get to Machu Picchu, I will get some super joy.
Is this what growing up means? Not feeling super duper ecstatic and incredibly low, but just a level still lake with little ripples here and there when nice passerbys throw a little pebble at your calm waters?
mm.
o o o and i've been learning the guitar!
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| Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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12:54 am
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There are many reasons why I detest myself:
1) I don't read or write on the plane anymore.
2) I don't read or write anywhere I am anymore. It's just my stupid iphone and the stupid NYT app.
3) I watch crap tv even when I'm in the gym (that I've remedied just a few days ago , where perhaps I've subconsciously understood how crap I've become, by going back to working out to music.
I'm reading now. I promise I will go back to what matters most.
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12:25 am - Resolve
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The truth is, I'm sick of the person I've become.
I've become - so trashy. I watch mindless TV, read mindless blogs, news articles. The only kinda writing I do is this haphazard stream-of-consciousness shite or academic writing.
I used to be in a better place. Of words and books and sense and meaning. Of imagination and meaning, and feelings and art.
I need to start writing again. And reading proper again. I'm doing away with the trash in my life.
Not mindless TV, not mindless blogs or facebook updates. Not stupid magazines and newspapers.
It's just going to be me and my books and my writing.
Writing is a muscle. I can revert to the old me again.
This is my resolve.
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| Friday, May 8th, 2009
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12:29 am - Sadness
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some people have professed extreme sadness given that this is the last day of class for many of us. I am not one of them. There are a couple of classes that I enjoyed and I'm glad to have been part of them, but I'm never sad. What's there to be sad about? What's there to miss? I'm excited to move on. As much as this year had been an interesting and exciting experience; to me, it's nothing more than what it's supposed to be. A stepping stone into something else. Who knows what the "something else" will be? But I'm really not sad.
Have I made good friends? A couple? Am I sad that I'm leaving them? Never. I think that's the thing about friendship. I don't think "leaving" matters. I think I've too many friends overseas to think that it matters that they are not a stone's throw away.
Am I brutal? Am I heartless?
I don't think so. And I take offense.
Because if I have anything, I think I have heart. And if I have anything, I have heart for the people I love most. I don't distribute tiny bits to everybody, just the entire heart to those who matter most.
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2009
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6:40 pm - the truth
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the truth is, i'm so glad to go back to boston, so glad to get out of the country again. the love and warmth of family and friends is not enough to make me ignore everything else i hate about the country.
yes, im a terrible person who deserts my home country.
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2009
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2:46 pm - pre-CNY
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We are back in Singapore for just 6 days to see my ailing grandpa. I wasn't looking forward to the trip initially - the plane ride killed us, we were fearful of the weather and we are just tired by the thought of having to meet so many people and socializing and blahblahblah. But day 3 into our time here and instead of complaining (of course i've loads to complain about, it's singapore after all), I've decided to compile a list of blessings from our trip here. the list will only get longer. (hopefully)
1. making three grandparents happy (hopefully one more come wednesday)
2. eating fried chicken from shilin
3. eating home cooked food without having to cook it, eating without guilt, eating homecooked feasts
4. not having to do any housework, cooking, laundry, etc, and yet coming home to a clean room, with clean clothes to wear (ahh, we are so pampered)
5. having the car
6. flower shopping with my in laws. it's nice to see my in laws so excited over brightly coloured flowers, at least there's something we have in common, even though the husband doesn't understand flowers at all.
7. hearing the laughter of grandparents
8. the national library . :) (or is it my one week reprieve from grad sch that allows me to enjoy my frivolous none save-the-world type of books
9. wearing so little clothes
the weather is great, life is good, i might have a flu, but coming home wasn't such a bad idea. I might say differently on the plane again, but so far, so good.
current mood:  grateful
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2009
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11:33 am - 2nd day of the new year
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It doesn't feel like the new year yet. And it feels like I hate the year 2008. The reason is because I've completed none of the four papers I'm supposed to complete, and have not studying for my finals yet. So things are going pretty bad, we are supposed to leave for Vancouver in like, 3 days. And frankly, I think I will be cooped up in the hotel writing my papers rather than travelling or going to ski.
I'm grumpy because maybe I'm just mediocre after all. And the only across-the-border vacation I've had since Melbourne (that is in April) is becoming just a work-in-hotel trip. Luckily I insisted on the Hyatt and not some crummy cost-savings cheap hotel.
I'm bitter but I want to think about 2008 and my hopes for 2009 and maybe I will feel better about myself.
Because of how 2008 ended, it feels like a pretty bad year. I'm mired in work which I can't finish, I'm bordering on depression (SAD or just regular-style?) most of the time and I think I'm putting on way too much weight to end the year. So I shall try to put things in perspective. Try, because, trust me, there will still be bitterness.
The year in review
the good
1) got my driver's license (gosh that felt like a lifetime ago) and started driving to work
2) left my emotionally-abusive work (to give it credit, it was a great job, i learned alot and my colleagues were great - I've heard of people with worse jobs)
3) I went to Melbourne for a holiday (it didn't turn out as great as I had anticipated, but oh well, it was good to catch up with friends)
4) I got into the school of my dreams, and the program I thought would change my life
5) I left Singapore, and left all that passive aggressive anger behind, left all the bad behind and only have the good to reminisce about.
6) I came to the US, happy with the weather, made new friends, learning new stuff, building my own home.
7) I cooked tons
8) I baked tons
the bad
1) i got into my first car accident (it wasn't that bad, nobody got hurt, my father-in-law was an angel about it)
2) i stopped having any source of income and became totally reliant on J. (he's a doll for letting me buy what i want though :p )
3) I stopped loving Melbourne.
4) School is more difficult than I ever imagined, socializing is also difficult for an extremely introverted me in a culture that values extrovertism.
5) I'm away from my family and friends and the guilt of not being doesn't go away even if the seas between us justify it more.
6) 1/2 a year to go to the end of my program and whatever I dreamed of doing post-masters has evaporated into thin air. I'm not going into a phd program because I don't think I want to commit another 6 years of this hell, and I'm not going to work in nyc because it's better for J to stay here. It's not his fault, it's really better for him here than there. And we are not the kind of couple who want to stay apart.
Stocklist
this year I:
-watched less movies
-read less books (at least books I wanna read, not books I've to read for school or work)
-ran wayyy less ( i busted my knee sometime in september)
-travelled only a little (melbourne, new hampshire, maine, around MA, new york - hardly considered travel???)
in 2009 I
- hope to be done with the masters and graduate
- if i find a job here, i find a job, if not, I can start on little projects?
- to get into some sort of fitness program while taking care of my knee
- for now I know I will be travelling tons more - thank goodness - to vancouver, london, korea, maybe mexico. oh and I'll be going home for a bit so maybe we can have some trips to malaysia, bali and thailand too.
see, i feel nothing really, have no hopes. either these assignments are killing me, or something more insidious.
current mood:  cold
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| Monday, October 6th, 2008
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1:42 am
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What God failed to give me in blood, He made it up with marriage.
I know I have possibly the world's suckiest family, but He gave me a husband who could be my new shot at a family.
For that, I'm thankful.
current mood:  disappointed
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| Saturday, September 13th, 2008
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12:23 am
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Because I almost died once, everyday alive is a gift to me.
Because I'm given this gift, I want to embrace the living and live life.
Sometimes, I falter, but I try my best to be alive.
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12:20 am - Still on the topic of reflection
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Went for a talk by Jeffrey Sachs and he mentioned a line that I used to believe in deeply and try to live closely by.
"An unexamined life is not worth living."
-Socrates
For me, the fundamental for reflection is writing and if I can't even write coherently, does that mean I've not been living an examined life? There is so much to do, so much to think about and so little time left. I must start reflecting again, otherwise, I would realise that I really didn't live much after all.
current mood:  anxious
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2008
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3:40 pm - A Reflective Life
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I'm here again.
I didn't mean to be away for so long, but life became more overwhelming than expected. As you might know, I've started my Intensive Prep Course at Harvard in lieu of the Masters program that's starting in September. It is intensive indeed. At some point last week, I wanted to give up because I keep hearing Dr Tian in my head - him telling me I can't do it. I hear the voice telling me that I have to lead a handicapped life without the aid of medication and I have to mitigate my condition with my expectations.
For a while, I believed him, that to keep my sanity, I had to live a life of mediocrity. But the past few years have showed that, despite occasional breakdowns, I can survive and integrate myself into an active life and even excel, if I try hard enough.
I have to try very hard now. Everyone in class is very spectacular and very serious about what they are doing - changing the world. It is exciting, to be in an environment where everyone is just as passionate about creating change. It is scary too - what if I fail? What if I fall behind? What if I flunk out of this course and fulfill Dr Tian's prophesy?
But I try - watching Randy Pausch's last lecture yesterday reminded me that everything - doubt, breakdown, exhaustions are just brickwalls in the way of what I want to do - I want to help, I want to help make this world (cliche as it may sound) slightly a better place to live in. I try - my ego, my need to justify that I am better, sometimes get into the way. But that is why the key to my education is instructors reminding us of a reflective education.
So here I am - reflecting (albeit a lil hurriedly for there are tons of readings and writing to be done). And I hope I will never forget to do so.
Oh - for less reflective versions of writing, you can go to daisyspeak.wordpress.com for a new life chronicled.
current mood: hopeful
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
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11:20 pm - Something known as too much good food(updated and edited)
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It's two weeks to departure and I've been eating my way through town. So much for dieting and exercising before I leave. I've never eaten out so often or spent so much on eating out before. I'm so full so full so full, perhaps I will detox in the plane.
Sampler of where/what I've eaten so far (list will grow, trust me):
1) Manna at Telok Ayer Street- Kim Chi Stew (super good)
2) Lao Beijing at Novena Sq - too much food > $70 for 2 pax (super good)
3) J.Co Donuts at City Hall - donuts for dinner! NUTS
4) Hang Sang Family Restaurant at Square 2, Novena - I prefer Manna, it's not too bad but I'm biased!
5) Saffron Bistro - indian food and fish head curry ($25 pax, super good too)
6) Saturday Pinoy Brunch with friends and dessert at Daily Scoop (slightly healthier fair and better ice-cream!!!!)
7) Dinner by Shwang - Anthony Bourdain's Mushroom soup, Insalata Caprese, Jamie Oliver's Chicken and Tomatoes, Penne with Fungi and Parma Ham, Janice's Cold Yoghurt with Fruits - SUPER GOOD!!!
8) Da Paolo Pizza Bar - pizzas! wine! calamari! salads! - bill came up to $36 pax and it was rather crappy food, hate the attitude of the waiters. AVOID AT ALL COST!
9) Haagen Daaz icecream - sorbet triumphs all evil!
10) Random famous Tze Char stall at Casuarina Estate - too much food and its more hype than anything it seems.
11) Chirashi Set at Matsuo - mm-hmm I'm gonna miss Japanese food, am I gonna get Japanese food in Cambridge????
12) Wild Rocket at Mt Emily - well, good conversation makes up for everything. I didn't get the burger today and I wasn't too wow'ed by the Catfish.
There's more to come - seeing how my lunch schedule is packed for the entire week.
So here we have it - lainey is very full and very fat 2 weeks before she leaves for her new life.
I need to exercise like - tomorrow.
current mood: bloated
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1:20 am - Died and gone to heaven!!!
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Omigosh!
A quick check on the Boston Globe directory and this are the gigs thus far confirmed to be performing in Boston this summer!!!!! This in incredible! And not one ticket more than $66 and all averaging $30!!!!!
This is just a sampler:
1) George Michael!!!!
2) Sheryl Crow
3) James Blunt
4) Janet Jackson
5) Ryan Adams!!!!
6) Dandy Warhols and Stars!!!!!!!!
7) Missy Higgins
8) Yoyo Ma!!!!
9) John Mellencamp and Lucinda Williams
10) Madonna
11) The Eagles
12) Celine Dion (hahaha)
13) Tina Turner
14) New Kids on the Block
15) Aimee Mann
and many many more!!!!
I'm probably going for the ones with exclamation marks except for George Michael cuz I'm leaving the same day he's singing.
But seriously!!! HOW WONDERFUL!
I'm delirious!
current mood: excited
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008
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10:45 pm - Pre-School Jitters
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It's 20 days till we move out of the country, start a new life and I start school. The room's in a mess, I'm in a mess thinking of how to pack both our lives up into 20kg Fedex boxes for shipping. I'm still a lingering presence at work, being asked by the Boss to work remotely from home, I'm still struggling on prep work for school, and I'm definitely struggling with my goodbyes.
Everyone thinks I should be excited - I'm all but that. In fact, I'm scared to death. This is strangely bizzare for a girl who felt no fear on any of her other first days of school - in kindergarten I slapped the girl next to me to get her to stop crying cuz I didn't understand why she cried. I was fine in Primary School and Secondary School too.
The stakes are so huge this time round. I can't fuck up after I fucked up royally in Melbourne the last time round.
I need to get cracking.
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| Friday, June 20th, 2008
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10:41 am - As good as it gets
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I lead a pretty blessed life.
I enjoy going to work because I am interested in the issues, I like my colleagues and even though I have a love-hate relationship with my boss, I think we get along pretty well and I would rather have him as a boss than some other pricks I've met or heard about. I get to meet wonderfully inspiring people in the line of my work, so much so that I am inspired to go back to school and be like them.
I have friends I can spend quiet moment with. Friends I am sad to leave behind in Singapore, friends that remain good friends despite being oceans apart and friends who understand me, know me and accept me. And even when I'm leaving the country, I look forward to the new friends I've made or are going to make.
I've been alone for two weeks but I don't feel so alone. It has been an enjoyable two weeks recharging myself, rediscovering myself and catching up with myself.
I feel pretty blessed. This feels like a dream. And tomorrow, I will wake up and you will be home and I'm ready to continue life with you.
Life can begin again :)
I don't miss you, but I'm excited to have you back again.
:)
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| Sunday, June 15th, 2008
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9:34 am - Being Alone
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Then at dinner, I came across a book fair that was selling a book titled "Celebrating Time Alone: Stories of Splendid Solitute" for $3. Of course I had to buy it.
It should be good.
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| Saturday, June 14th, 2008
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1:19 pm - still without you
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I don't miss you yet.
Is it bad of me?
I spend half of my waking hours feeling guilty about it, and the half relishing it.
I thought it was because I was busy, but now the dust has settled, I still do not miss you yet.
Am I heartless?
Last night I went for drinks with 3 other couples. I didn't want to. For a while, I tried frantically to find someone to join me. No one could, of course. But I went instead, because I really needed to be away. And it didn't turn out too bad. Of course I stuck out like a sore thumb, but I didn't wish you were next to me. I was content being there - the sore thumb, holding the lainey fort on my own.
I remember Leng commenting on the fear of losing my identity. Do I fear the loss of identity or the loss of friends? During my lonely years, I've built up a network of support whom I love dearly and I know love me dearly. I enjoy being with my friends, my people. I enjoy doing my stuff - movies, books, art. But I love you - I married you - I chose you and when you are around, I am more than content in your company.
But I am not satisfied with myself. Not satisfied with just doing the right thing and being the person I should be.
I don't know who I should be.
The lainey from the past was lonely and alone. She was unhappy.
lainey now comes with a husband, a de facto partner. She is supposed to be happy.
Sometimes, happiness is not enough.
current mood:  confused
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2008
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9:35 am - Without You
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I figured that based on our timezone differences, I might never be able to tell you what I did while you were away, so the best way might be to document it here.
You left for your 2-week work trip to the US last night. I didn't want to send you to the airport because I was so comfortable in our bed, and also because I was hooked on Monster-in-law showing on Channel 5. And also because I was plain lazy.
Also I think that if I make the trip home alone from the airport, I would be really sad and I can still be normal and okay if I stayed home within my comfort zone. So yes- I put you in the cab and went on to watch Monster-in-law.
Then I tried to watch Singapore Dreaming on DVD but it was so bad I stopped and took out West Wing Season 3 to watch. And then I stayed up till 1am for Hilary's Concession Speech. I wish you were here to watch me, then I can tell, see she ain't so bad after all.
I woke up at 10am today. Your dad bought me Roti Prata for breakfast. I didn't make it to gym because I was feeling mopey (every Sunday I feel mopey) and even worse since I had a nightmare the night before. So I went out after lunch and met up with Boon and life became better.
Meeting up with old friends always make one feel better, especially when the friend puts your non-problems into perspective. Then I went for dinner with my family and went over to Martin's to borrow West Wing Season 1.
Sometimes I wonder if it's normal that I don't miss you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm heartless for feeling liberated and independent.
But I think I'm lucky - I married a man who gave me no cause to worry, to feel paranoid or to feel insecure.
I know you will come back two weeks later. I know nothing will change. Right now, life just goes on :)
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2008
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8:20 am - Sometimes, the politically incorrect way is the only correct way
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Reading and hearing from World Vision about how aid is NOT making its way to the people who need it most in Burma set me off into a tirade. I will not and do not advise donating money or any form of aid to Burma. I know the devastating news of the cyclone hit us bad. I know many Burmese had died and are dying. However, I feel that it will do nothing more than make us feel less guilty about our own bourgeois capitalist comfort in Singapore. The aid and the money will only end up lining the pockets of the military junta who does not seem to care about its people, only about reinstating and hanging onto its unreasonable power in the country.
Yes - I've also read that some money and aid do get past. Perhaps 30% of whatever was sent there. Is that enough? Is that a solution to a problem exacerbated exponentially by natural disaster? I do not think so. As I grow older, I also began to see how futile it is to give aid or attempt to save just one person - it has stopped mattering if we can save or make the life of just one person better. What about the gazillion others suffering?
we must do something to help. But it seems like the only way we can help, is helping the enemy instead of the people.
Perhaps, this is the time for ASEAN to step in and stop its gutless attitude of non-interference. What is the point of being a community if part of your community is dying, battered and bashed? Why work and shake hands with a military junta who will not listen? Why talk about economic integration and community when there is a regime next to you that obviously goes against the values of humanity?
This is not about respect of cultures. We should respect cultures and governments that the people support. We should help defenceless people when their governments don't. Do we report or intervene if our neighbours abuse their children? There is no dilemma here. It's a matter of right or wrong.
And I believe the right way might sound horrendously incorrect in the wake of the Iraq problem. But I do agree with Steve Sesser of the New York Times. Perhaps some stronger country should invade Burma.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Saturday, May 10th, 2008
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11:24 am - Half Year Mark
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We've been married for exactly half a year now.
Things are still pretty much the same except that I can hardly believe we once put in that much effort to prepare for the day of our nuptials. It just feels like too much work and too much money for just one day. But, anyway.
Things are still pretty much the same. It feels the same as when we were dating, 'cept that it's way more convenient now. We get to wake up and go to bed together (most of the time). In a strange twist of fate, I think we have reached a comfortable stage in our relationship so much so that we are more comfortable pursuing our own interests and our own selves now more than ever.
We still fight of course, I think less, because we've understood and accepted each other pecularities more. Is this what I thought a marriage would be? I think not. I've always thought a marriage is humdrum doldrums. But this is rather fun. There's still so much to life - as a couple and as an individual. It just suck that I can't shake the mentality that I've got to race through life because I've slept through so much of it.
So come July, I will turn 28 (gasp), we will move to the US, I will go back to school and lose financial independence again. But I'm excited and feel incredibly blessed that I have my husband with me on this incredible life journey.
Happy Half Year Anniversary ;)
current mood: content
current music: construction drilling
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